Cover Letters from Millenials
Originally published on December 3, 2013 on nearlyrobots.com
In the last two months Nearly Robots (using a fake name) advertised several entry level positions on craigslist, seeking recent graduates and young professionals. Here are some of the cover letters we received.
Cover Letter # 1
To whom it may concern,
Ever since my parents put me into Montessori at age 3 I have been a high achiever. Throughout my education, I have continually delivered on the goals put before me: between middle school and high school I received a total of 6 annual reward iPods, and 3 high-end guitars. This is why I believe I would be an excellent candidate to serve as your director of operations.
I have substantial work experience and a natural ability for leadership demonstrated by the fact that I was head of fundraising and an assistant captain on my undergraduate quidditch team. Moreover, I am also a member of the Silver Lock society, an exclusive academic honour society of North America’s top 50 million students. I have an excellent business acumen because I grew up around money. My financial planning skills are top-rate: in the last 2 years I have taken a substantial amount of money given to me by my parents and transformed it into slightly more money.
I look forward to hearing back from you on my iPhone, which is of the latest generation as are all my Apple products.
Cover Letter # 2
If I have learnt one thing from promoting parties and selling tickets to my exclusive circle of friends over the last 3 years, it is how to work hard over long hours. I understand the importance of working a full day: having total focus and energy from 2pm all the way until 4pm, or even 4:30, and then putting in overtime from 10:30-10:45 (when I’m arranging bottle service).
Cover Letter # 3
Hello friend of parent,
How are you? It’s been so long since I’ve seen you. I’m sure my parent has told you that I’m doing great: I’m sure you were paying close attention and have been taken mental notes on the progress of my short life. I know it’s been so long since I’ve seen you. How is your child who is near my age? Whatever you answer here: I don’t really care.
I’m sending you this because I need a job. Please give me a job. Not a job that you need done though, preferably a job that does not require much work and would look good on my resume. If I can be your boss, that would be ideal.
Could I also be on your company’s board of directors?
Cover Letter #4
Int. Night – a young man in a suit walks up to your desk.
I’m great, hire me.
Cover Letter #5
Attached is my self-recorded TedX talk. When do I start?